saying goodbye. again.

I have some time today.  Miss K is over at grandma’s bouncing around in the pool.

So, Im cleaning.

And when I was moving some things to the garage, a bag fell out.

One that I hadn’t thought about in some time.  

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The bag holding my memories of my first pregnancy.  And so I took a moment.  Read the cards.  Held the stuffed animal my mom brought me in the hospital.  Looked at each small trinket, given to me when we told people we were having a baby.  

I looked at them and allowed myself a few moments of grief.  Crying.  Remembring.

Because nothing is worse than feeling like you can’t mourn.  I felt like that for a long time.  “You weren’t that far along”.  “Only 9 weeks”. “You’ll have another”.  “Good thing it happened earlier, rather than later.”

And while all those things are/were true….

No.

I was a mother the moment that stick turned pink and I felt that child.  I wanted THAT child.  

So, allow me to mourn.  Allow me to cry and allow me a moment to say goodbye.  It isn’t the first time I will, and it won’t be the last.  

Sure, I never met my baby.  I never touched his or her face.  I didn’t see them grow.  

But I would still like to say goodbye.  

So I will.

And then be glad for what I have and what would never have been, had this crippling event not happened.   And while I still miss my first baby, I am happy for what I have been given.

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23 Comments

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23 responses to “saying goodbye. again.

  1. i’m crying with you, but also so happy for the little bundle of joy that you do have! you are allowed to mourn! don’t ever feel bad about that….

  2. Of course you must mourn, and don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t. I don’t know what that feels like, but I know your faith is strong enough to get you through whatever comes your way!

  3. Kat

    I am crying with you as I read this…and I am so glad you allow yourself these moments.

  4. Jan Muse

    Dear Sweet Rachel,
    SO well written! My first pregnancy was stillborn – a beautiful baby girl 3 wks before her due date. My second pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy (tubal pregnancy) requiring surgery and another saying goodbye. Yes, I have 2 beautiful & healthy grown daughters for which I am VERY thankful and I am also blessed with two wonderful adult step- children but I will always LOVE & yearn for these two children who I will spend eternity with! Let the healing tears flow and know you are LOVED.

  5. Elma

    Oh I so know how you feel. I lost a baby at 12 weeks. Even though we had eight children it still was soooooo sad.

  6. That’s beautiful. I am incredibly blessed that I never experienced a miscarriage, but I can imagine that the grief would be overwhelming. ((Hug))

  7. Dad

    Thanks for the reflective thought. It made me stop and think about your older brother…..I will never forget that unbelievably long weekend when you dear mother carried Kent Christopher until we brought him into the world…..I will always wonder what kind of young man he would have been…..a parent never forgets….without sounding too trite though, it makes mom and I rejoice that God has blessed us beyond comprehension in giving us you, Jonathan, Sean and Kensington. For now, he is the Lord’s….one day the family will all be together…..

    Love

    Your blessed Father

  8. Your Dad said it all…so sorry, dear Rachel.

    One day you shall meet this one…and oh the joy!!

  9. Mary

    I was thinking about both of our experiences today, too, and feeling sad as well. I don’t think that ever goes away completely. It’s amazing to think we’ll get to meet them some day! I like to think they are keeping each other company. love you

  10. Aww, Rachel, I can only begin to imagine how this must feel. I am sorry, but it’s good to have the good cry, be cleansed, just to be. I’m sure your Dad had the best words one could ever say; they are a treasure!
    Love,
    suzanne

  11. My sister had two miscarriages and I felt so helpless seeing her go through that. She now has two kids and it’s crazy to believe that when she leaves this life she’ll have two more babies waiting for her in heaven. I can’t wait to meet them!

    Every pregnancy is a blessing and every loss is devestating.

  12. I am so sorry to hear your story. The same thing happened to me, just a little earlier at 7 weeks. It was the hardest thing I have yet to go through in my life. I have a 4 year old son now and I think what I lost prepared me to be a better Mom to my son than I think I would have been.

  13. Andrea

    Thank you for sharing this. I have been exactly where you are. It was horrible when I lost my baby even though I was “only” 9 weeks. When that stick turns pink that baby is in your heart forever. But now I look and Blake and thank God for blessing me with him.

  14. I’m right there with you. You are brave for saving tangible memories. I couldn’t. My brain makes it hard enough.

  15. I cried for ALL four of our babies that met Jesus before they ever got to meet us…some were early and some were closer to birth…and I think we SHOULD mourn- no matter what “stage” that baby was… I mourn with you…and I am so thankful you are now Blessed with sweet Ms.K- and that’s why I am SO thankful for my three children I have been so Blessed to meet and love here and now…and I look forward to being reunited with our other children…someday…

  16. Julie

    thanks for being so real.
    consider yourself hugged.

  17. I love how you pour yourself out here. I can’t imagine the emotions and I think it is so important for you to never feel bad about how you feel.

    Your dad’s comment has to be one of the most beautiful things I’ve read in so long.

  18. I came here via Mindee’s blog (Our Front Door) and have been having a great time reading through your posts this evening. I couldn’t decide which post to finally stop and comment on (the organic Diet Coke was incredibly tempting), but this seemed the right one.

    I’m glad you shared this. It’s so important to not only allow yourself to mourn such a deep loss but to allow other people a window into what an impact such a loss really does have. We lost twins, a son and daughter, to prematurity. They both died the same day they were born. I carry them with me with every beat of my heart and every breath that I take.

  19. Amanda

    My first pregnancy ended with a miscarriage at ten weeks. No one ever tells you how hard it is when you lose a baby. Why it’s never talked about, I don’t know because it is one of the worst experiences a mother can have. It doesn’t matter how far along you are when it happens because from the moment you find out, you are bonded to that baby…and you never really get over it. In my mind, I have three babies, with only two that are with me now.

  20. We lost a baby at 5 weeks 13 years ago and it was heart breaking. I think of that little baby all the time…and you’re right…just because we weren’t too far along or didn’t get to meet the baby, etc…it certainly doesn’t make the loss any easier to endure. And it is OK to mourn now and then… The good thing? We’ll get to meet them in Heaven…

  21. jenn

    i have been so behind on the blog. this is the first post that started my “catch-up”…

    this is so honestly and beautifully written. it is with tears in my eyes that i type — you are an amazing person my friend. thank you for sharing you — it makes my world a better place!

    Love you!

    PS-this pic of Miss K makes me laugh out loud!!

  22. Ugh… I’m going to cry….
    I’m telling you the wound is raw!
    “Blessed be your name
    When I’m found in the desert place
    Though I walk through the wilderness
    Blessed be your name”
    I love that song. Definitely words to live by.

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