new hope.

I don't intend for this to be a "sad" post.  I really don't.

It was two years ago this week that we found out we were pregnant for the first time.  It was exciting and new and hopeful.  It was a Thurs morning and we both were ridiculously happy.  It was amazing.  Like nothing either of us had experienced.  So perfect.

When we found out that we lost the baby in March, Sean bought this almond tree (now on our front porch) and planted it in memory of our first "born".  Ironically, the tree blooms in February and March each year.  Sean came in the house the other night and mentioned, "Hey Rach..the tree has buds on it.  Go look." and my stomach got a pit in it. I realized that it was "time".  Time to remember and think about what "could have been". 

Even after having a baby, I think about that child.  On a daily basis.  Usually when I'm playing with Kensington.  In fact, I think it has gotten worse SINCE Kensington has been born.  I hate that day in March.  It's not like I walk around with a cloud over my head and cry all day or even tell anyone.  That's not the point.  I just don't even want to think about it.

And then…..enveitably….when I feel my worst on that day….I am reminded that we have a soverign God who gives us….

HOPE.  PROMISES.  A FUTURE.  A PLAN. 

And although it stings when things don't make sense or we hate the outcome, we can cling to that.
He gives us a new life, in Him.  And it makes pain more bearable.

 "A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs
his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

So, here is a picture of my blooming tree.  It is so pretty right now and if you could come over to my house, I would show you.  It springs new every year and reminds me of my many blessings and the perfect plan the Lord has for me. 

Even when I just don't "get it".

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “new hope.

  1. I was actually just thinking I couldn’t wait to see actual buds on plants again, the snow is too much. I can’t think of a sweeter reason to find joy in those little buds of hope. Thanks for sharing your story.

  2. eva

    i’m sorry for you. you ARE a mother of two, i understand you will always miss your younger child who died so young.
    i hope someday you are a mother of three, blessed with another healthy living child.

  3. Thank you for this post! I needed to be reminded that there is a loving God who knows and understands me and has a plan for my life and my happiness. I’m so happy your blossoms are coming through, and even though I know the pain will never completely go away, I hope every day you will feel more peace in your heart.

  4. I understand the feelings that you are talking about. We lost our little one two years ago and not a day goes by that I don’t think about what could have been. I am praying for you as your enter this difficult time of the year. Our hope is in Him!
    ~Charree

  5. thanks so much for stopping in!
    you are super cute- LOVE your daughter’s name 🙂
    so glad you have found some comfort in your blooms- as a parent- i cannot imagine dealing with such an event. you are a strong woman.

  6. you have choosen a beautiful way to remember and honor your loss. Many don’t understand that it is a loss that will never leave you and will live in your heart forever. Enjoy your beautiful daughter. With you in my thoughts, Kelley

  7. Liz

    What a beautiful post. If I were there I’d give you a great big hug.

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