mid-day observation.

I usually don’t write mid-day.  I write at night and then auto post.

I told myself I would take 10 minutes out of her nap time (when I do chores and the “What-not’s) to blog today, since I have an observation.

*********

The human condition and all of its oddities have and will remain, a curious mystery to me.  They way people react (or don’t react) baffles and intrigues me.

This is not a complaining blog, so please don’t interpret this post as such.  Rather, this is an observation on people and their motives for how they respond.

*****

I am constantly surprised when I mention something I would like to do, a place I would like to go, adventure/experiance I would like to have and am met with “No you wouldn’t like that” or “You shouldn’t.  You would hate it” or  “Dont do it–you won’t get it” or  “Don’t see that movie, you’ll hate it!” or “I wouldn’t move there-you’ll hate it” or “You’ll regret that” (that’s my favorite).

This happens frequently enough to where I was telling my husband about it last night.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t have a bunch of downer friends.  Lots of times it just happens to be someone Im chatting with, an acquaintance or a checker at the store.  Friends and family aren’t excluded, Im just saying that there seems to be a very liberal dosing of these responses, everywhere.

It makes me think….

Do people genuinely think they know me so well to assume they know what I will hate and love?  Regret or not regret?  And so passionately too. Or is there more to it?

I have said (on numerous occasions) that I can see myself living in Washington State or perhaps NYC.  I don’t think I can ever remember saying that without being met with, “You will hate the rain!  Its city life!  You won’t have a yard!  You’ll miss your family!  You will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER be able to move back to California EVER EVER EVER and afford a house EVER AGAIN IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!”

Then I would go home and think. When I would think about it long enough I would conclude, “maybe they just love me so much that they want me to never EVER move.”  Ahhh. Tear. How sweet.

Nope.

I have been met with the same comments when telling people I dream about moving down towards the water, no more than 10 minutes from where we live.  “Too small” or “No yard” or “Poor Molly having no grass” or “You will miss your space and you will over-spend”.  

Again….its not like people are picketing with signs or anything, but I get the general sense that when I discuss anything that has to do with moving, dreams, stepping out of a comfort zone, thinking differently (say childbirth, homeschooling, discipline…just to name a few calm topics), embracing new ideas…

People’s instant response is a harsh opinion.  

I guess I don’t really know what my conclusion to this post is.  Except that there is something hidden in people that makes them respond the way they do.  To confront a new idea or thought with instant negativity.

I haven’t found out why that is, but it certainly makes me wonder.

 

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24 Comments

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24 responses to “mid-day observation.

  1. I totally know what you mean. When I decided to study abroad in Paris for a summer…by myself I got a TON of that. “You’ll be lonely.” “You don’t want to travel alone.” etc. I did it anyway, it was a dream of mine and I loved every single minute of it. It’s a shame really. We should all be encouraging each other to work toward our dreams instead of shooting them down. I think I tend to do the opposite when I know people pretty well. I’m the one giving suggestions of places/things/ideas I think you WILL like.

    Interesting isn’t it?

  2. Not that I’m perfect at all, I certainly have my negative moments too, I’m just saying.

  3. Kat

    Here’s a quote I loved from the Alchemist…one I am TRYING to remember before I shell out advice, not an easy task for a know-it-all like me, BUT I am working on it.

    “Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.”

  4. Leah Rice

    Trust me, I know what you mean. We heard that from every side when we choose to move to Colorado. The truth is, people don’t know us. We let them in just so much. Enough that they think they know who we are and what are dreama are. It is out of love, I think. I am sure that those who tried to stop us were doing it because they cared. We heard (my favorite) “Did you seek WISE COUNSEL”. That was the one that really got me. Like I can’t make a decision without talking to a pastor. Which by the way, pastors don’t hear from God any louder that you do! I was told that we would hate the winter. Winter is my favorite time of year. “What about our church?” There are others tout there that love God too (and hired me). ” Your are going to be so bored.” we spend more time living than ever have!
    You have to follow your dreams and make your own happiness. Would we have been happier in CA? I don’t know. Will we ever be able to move back? I don’t care. Could we, should we, would we do it a different way…who knows. What I do know is that if God is in it, HE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. He will bring friends into your life so that you are not lonely. HE will provide a job, money, purpose.
    Don’t let anyone tell you what your dreams are. I have learned to not share them anymore. I found that I was asking people as a way of getting comfirmation so that I knew that I was doing the right thing. Your child is yours. School her, discipline her, love her the way you know how. No more books on how to write the perfect letter. How to host the perfect dinner. What color to wear, how to dress, where to live…just be Rachel. Be her wherever you live and whatever you do. That is what ever magazine and show does. It tells us to be individuals… just like everyone else. We all try to dress alike and think alike and live alike. What fun is that?
    Plus, I think you would do great anywhere! There are very cute rainboots, jackets and umbrellas out there! Go find a place to use them!

  5. We moved to Seattle about 9 months ago and everyone said exactly that, “You’re going to miss So Cal…you’re going to hate leaving your family…you’re going to be so sick of the rain…”

    Yeah it was a transition but truth be told, we love the rain (we’re the only ones looking forward to fall), we have found that our marriage has been tested and strengthened, and while I’ll always love San Diego I feel more comfortable up here already.

    My parents recieved a great job offer a few months ago…in Oklahoma. They had our nice home in Orange County we’d lived in for 17 years, but feeling the Lord’s call they sold it and are (TODAY actually) on their way to Edmond, OK. My mom commented that every time she told someone that they were moving to OK they were asked (in a not-so-nice voice), WHYYYY????

    I think we’re all so self-centered we don’t stop to think of someone else’s experience as a different entity. If we have experienced it one way we’ll assume they will as well. And a lot of people don’t really suck joy out of their day to day experiences.

    Even without experience…just heresay…we want to plaster our opinions all over. My mom’s response was always, “Well, have you been to Oklahoma?” and the answer was almost always, “Um….no.”

    Experience everything yourself. And I too am working on not flouting my opinions when they’re not asked. Oh. wait. am i doing that right now? ;-)

  6. Oh my goodness…your post really resonates with me and what perfect timing too. I just ran into a friend and we stopped and chatted for a minute and as I walked away I felt like she had just really popped my balloon. Not her intention for sure but I don’t think that behavior like that comes from a place of love either. I think it is more oblivious than that. I think their is unintentional selfishness in it. I have always been a dreamer and an idealist and an optimist. I am pooped out of people who are naysayers and I’m tired of sharing myself only to have my feelings plans or dreams pooped on. But, I will persevere and I hope you do to! Don’t let others negativity clip your wings! You are so genuine and spirited and that really comes through in your blog. For each naysayer you encounter, when you fly away with your wings intact, I truly believe that you (we!) are perpetuating something positive and not feeding into their negativity! Sorry this comment turned into a crazy ramble! Best wishes and Love, Cece

  7. i love this observation. i’ve always found that those who are most negative about my dreams,ideas, etc… are those who wish they had the audacity to have them and go after them.
    when i found out i was pregnant i was not married and so many people – many of whom were family members- “you will struggle all her life” , “he’s going to leave you and will never marry you now” you’re ruining your life….etc….
    needless to say none of their dire predictions came true but i think those comments came from a place of fear for me, my future child and for themselves. same thing happened when i moved to georgia for college. “but you don’t know anyone!” ” its so hot and its the south!”
    people tend to project their insecurities onto others who have the gall to go for theirs.
    I will leave u with this quote:
    “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams”
    so go for it!

    • Amber

      I totally agree with you Amber!!!
      “people tend to project their insecurities onto others who have the gall to go for theirs.”… very well said…. and I am not just agreeing with you because I happen to love your name ;)

      I have this happen to me all the time from a certain family member… the best example I have is, when the hubby and I went out for our anniversary dinner and I was telling her all about the romantic dinner we had. She asked where we went and said that she had been there and… WASN’T IMPRESSED!!! So, my whole experience had been discounted because of where I chose to dine.

      My mom is in AA and they have a saying there, “Contempt prior to investigation”, meaning we get so full of fear that we turn to hate, anger, or dislike to express our feelings.

      Amber V.

  8. I’m so sorry you’ve been meeting with negativity. I think you should do whatever YOU feel is right for YOU. I’m sorry people feel the need to rain on your parade. Chin up, there ARE positive people out there………:)

    suzanne

  9. or when you are out to dinner and you ask the server something like “would you recommend a or b” and the server says something like “oh, I hate b… i don’t eat that…”
    random side note…
    the other day we asked if she would recommend the carnitas or the chicken and she said “I’m a vegan.” cool you’re a vegan, but what would you recommend for us flesh eating folks…

  10. i try not to say things like that, even if i may think them, because it’s not my life and whatever decision people make is the right one for them. and just because one person thinks in a negative way that doesn’t mean that everyone needs to think that way too! people should try to look at the more positive side of things instead of crushing people’s dreams…

  11. Your Brother

    No-

    I say dont move because I will die…..

    So dont move.

    Other than that your dreams, wants and desires have to coincide with mine.

  12. Maybe they’re just envious of the idea of moving or doing something better, more fun for you and your family! I’ve lived in Alaska, Washington, Cali, Colorado, Illinois, New Jersey and now Arizona!

    Do what you feel is best and enjoy whatever journey it is :)

  13. I have definitely had this observation in my life…all too often. I am no crazy risk taker, but I am very proud of many things that my hubbie and I have done to follow our dreams. We are constantly met with this type of “criticism”. We moved to California when we were married. (You don’t know anyone! You’ll be with all the liberal weirdos! There are no seasons!) We left California to travel Europe for 5 months. (It’s irresponsible to quit your jobs! You will be in danger! You’ll run out of money! How will you know where to go? It’s so different, you’ll be so homesick!) Then we move to Oklahoma, set up shop, and have a baby. I want to do things natural (i.e. natural birth, cloth diapers, breastfeed)….well, you can only imagine all the opinions I get there.

    It used to frustrate me to no end. But I think when it was at it’s worse (when I was pregnant…AAAAH, the endless advice and commentary) I just quickly learned that people tend to be defensive of their own choices. Be it that they may be jealous, or unconfident in their own choices, or just too stuck in their safezone…it is difficult for many to reason why anyone would be different than themselves.

    So EMBRACE being “weird” or “crazy”. I call it zany and unique… :)

  14. I often think it’s people’s own fears or insecurities that make them want to “deflate” another’s ideas or new desires to make a change…
    or perhaps a bit of jealousy…maybe a little of both…

  15. hahah doesnt everyone say ” if you move you will never be able to afford to move back to Orange County” hahahaha I also never listen to peoples review on movies most of the time I love it!

  16. Maybe they’re worried. Maybe they’re scared. Maybe they’re jealous…

    Follow the dreams you have.

    Cxx

  17. noelle

    throughout our lives – jake & i have definitely been met w/ many negative comments…..especially w/ our various moves. Maryland “It snows AND you still have the humid summers. Plus there is no place better than CA”. From our standpoint we were EXCITED to have snow and EXCITED to experience a totally different way of living than we had ever experienced before. Although after almost 4 years of loving MD – we did come back to CA – but I still have such great memories of MD and maybe someday would like to go back. But once again were met with the same resistance when we moved to FL “It’s way to hot & there are bugs the size of cats”…..well some of this was true – and true we didn’t like FL – but do I regret moving there? Absolutely not! Am I glad to be back in CA – yes – but to be honest I still get the moving bug every once & awhile – Oregan & the state of Washington really apeal to me. I learned a long time ago never say “I’m never moving there” because in my case, I’ve moved to the place that I pledged against the 3 times I’ve said it! In the end – go with your heart….pray about it and talk to the hubbie! Everyone has their own opinions – even strangers which often makes me laugh – but what it comes down to is what is best for YOUR family :) jake & i have done MANY things that from an outsiders point of view – make absolutely no sense at all…but it works for our family.

  18. cindy

    It seems to me that healthy people don’t tell others how to feel or what to do. I would recoil in horror if such words came out of my mouth to another adult human.

  19. I think there are 2 primary reasons people feel the need to comment on a statement like “I want to move out of state”: (1) they just like to hear their opinons outloud, or (2) they are genuinely concerned that you would be making a mistake.

    Either way, it’s probably best you keep your mouth shut unless someone actually asks “what do you think?” It’s not YOUR decision, therefore YOUR opinion is perhaps not that important (I realize this is somewhat shocking – what? you mean MY opinion is not the most important thing to your decision?)

    On the flip side, I’ve learned not to introduce ideas/thoughts/dreams of mine to just anyone, especially if I think I’m going to get the “glass half empty” speech from them…

  20. Jennifer

    After seeing you the other day, I decided to check out your blog. It is very interesting and I have enjoyed reading it, but I digress…

    Sharing your dreams with others, makes them more real. If I say them outloud, then I am more likely to do something about them. With that said, I agree with Melissa and I don’t share my dreams or ideas with just anyone, but with those I trust and love the most. Should they respond negatively, I trust their opinions are coming out of a place of love and concern rather than jealously or pure negativity. But I still always wonder, don’t others realize if it’s my dream or idea that I have thought long and hard about it and am aware of the negative aspects as well as the postive? If you are going to offer someone else your opinion, don’t be “captain obvious”, we all know how hot or humid the south is or how living away from our family will be lonely at times.

  21. Julie

    I think most times the negative reactions are more about them than it is you. When my sister’s family decided to move to Texas, my reaction was WAY more about ME than being happy for them!! It’s complicated . . .
    Oh, and I totally agree with your brother!!!
    xoxo
    julie

  22. I can’t add anything new, I agree with the other comments! I think sometimes we project our own opinions and experiences on other people – I’m sure I’ve done this in the past as well! But I do think you should go for what you want and make the best decisions for your family regardless of what others say!

    P.S. I just saw the tiny smiley face on the bottom of the screen, that’s SO cute!

  23. I’m not like that at all, which is precisely why we’re in love. Duh.

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